Tuesday, March 30, 2010

How not to get a job

I'm not professional at sharing how to get a job. I'm not exactly sure how to get an interview, how to guarantee you'll get work in your field ... none of that. But I can definitely show you how not to get a job.

This evening I was emailed a resume (I'm not the boss of anything - nor am I hiring). So submitting a resume to me can really only serve one purpose - make me laugh. And believe me, I was laughing out loud, and then had to call a friend and have them laugh at it, too. That's how bad this is.

Okay: How not to get a job

Step 1
Email the wrong person your resume. You're not going to get a job emailing the wrong guy the documents. This is a no-brainer - meaning you don't have to use your brain to get it right. Yet, this guy got it wrong anyhow. To their credit, they did ALSO email my old work account - meaning the Editor in Chief at The Lance will receive this application (which is bad).

Step 2
This is mostly bad because this application is personally addressed to me, not the real boss who's hiring. If you're going to put someone's name on the application, you'd better put the right person's name. Using my name to get hired at a place where I do not work, that's not going to get you the job.

Step 3
Make sure your cover letter looks like it was written by a third-grader.
I would like to apply for the Distribution Manager position of the Lance newspaper. I am currently enrolled in my 3rd! year of science at the University of Windsor. [Why the exclamation mark? And why in! mid sentence? Also, you're a science major? Interesting... I'll remember that for later.]
Being on campus everyday I have seen the contributions of the Lance on campus and the surrounding community. I am friends with the current person whom help the position who also informed me of the position. [This last sentence is the worst written sentence I've ever read - good try using "whom" as appropriately as possible, though. So - pronouns aren't your thing. It doesn't look like making verbs agree with pronouns is a strength either]
I have already been informed of the terms and resposibilites that the job entails. I am a dedicated individual and work hard, easily motivated and have a vehicle to deliver the Lance every week. [It's a paper boy position - I hope you've figured this out. And are resposibilities for resposing? Looks like you should have been informed of spell-checker]
I understand that The Lance is Windsor's second largest publication and I believe that I will be able to help expand the current distribution network. Meeting me in person will convince you that I can apply those talents to The Lance. [Meeting you in person would be embarrassing. The only questions I'd ask you in an interview would be: are you serious?]

Attached is my resume. [Yes, unfortunately, it is]

Step 4
Write your resume in less time than it takes to take a shit on a public toilet.

Education, Training And Certification --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- University of XXXXX September 2007 –Present Major: Biology/ Phycology
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX 2007 Graduated with Honours, Travelled with the Debate Team, Also played many sports.
No employer (I'm pretty sure) gives a shit where you went to high school nor what you did there. Disclosing that you traveled with a debate team and played many sports under your "education, training and certification" section is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. While you're listing useless garbage from your high school days, why not include your favourite colour and record for longest belch?

Also - I recall that you're a science major - looks like biology and .. what is that? Phycology? You spelled your major wrong? Seriously? Jesus, what's next?
Employment Experience --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- XXXXXXX Submarine Front Line Cook -XXXXXX, ON 2005-2008·
Food Preperation, Cashiering, Open and Closing of the store.
Answering of the telephone taking orders, and Customer Service.

City of XXXXXX, Parks and Recreation Karate Instructor- XXXXXX, ON.2007-Present
I have a black belt in GoJu Karate and taught childrens ages 4-15, the sttrict traditional Japenese training regiment.

XXXX XXXX Casino Security Guard (Summer Position)- St. Albert, AB 2008 - 2008
Maintained safety and well-being of customers as well as employees.
Secured all currency, dispatched for all telecumminication lines.

XX XXXX Nightclub Security Guard- XXXXX,ON 2008 – Present
Ensure the safety of guests and other emplyees.
Protect company assets, Responsible for the prevention of overserving of alchol.
You spelled something wrong in every one of these descriptions. This is unbearably bad. Again, spell-checker is on every word processor of every kind. Meaning, all of these errors would be underlined or marked to indicate that they were incorrect while you were typing. Meaning, you ignored the errors and sent this to me anyhow.

All of this aside - I hope this isn't some sort of "phycology" experiment. I honestly thought that third-year university was different than third-year at primary school. It seems the only difference is a couple of years experience of working at a bar.

It also seems like this guy expected me to "hook him up" with a job because we have a friend in common. Even if my very best friend sent me this half-assed application with the deplorable lack of effort, I'd reject them. I'd be pissed off at them to think that I would require such little effort in exchange for a favour (especially a pretty good paying favour considering the hours).

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