We all know someone like this - they're desperate to show everyone how cool they are, but in all of Toronto (the largest city in our great county) there is one man who is the biggest self-serving ego-maniacal (read: untalented) individual you could conjure.
It's the ubiquitous Frank D'Angelo, of apple juice fame, (my favourite commercial was of Tie Domi remarking: "Are these nets regulation or what!?"). Toronto has its share of celebrities, like Mel Lastman (NoooooooBODY! - which made him mayor!) and Russel Oliver (the guy who'll buy gold despite his notoriously bad television commercials).
The one thing they all have in common is they pay money to advertize their personalities. Where Frank stands apart - he's not just buying advertizing space- he's purchasing the full-fledged "infomercial hour" to sport his wares. And it's hilariously disgusting.
Being Frank with Frank D'Angelo begins with a disclaimer by CHCH - DON'T confuse what Frank says as anything endorsed by CHCH. We just took his money, and he broadcasts whatever he wants.
Which segues seamlessly into a music video for a record he's released.
"We Lost Our Way" from "Winds of Time" with a great violin intro and Springsteen-esque impression. He's a showman, let's be honest, he sings just fine. He looks like an Italian Louis Anderson, though, lol! And you know he sincerely means every word he says because he sings the whole song with his eyes shut. He keeps his eyes shut even through the guitar solo - the hallmark of a true artist.
Sketch one: paying his bouncers cash, so you know he's a wealthy lad, while he steals a joke from television about the Dalai Lama. He's a human version of Krusty the Klown. Let's be clear though - the intent is to insist that Frank can throw money around - he's definitely well-to-do.
After watching the first five minutes - I have to think he pays his audience to laugh as well as his air time.
Here are the commercials: Arizona Beverages (Pure Genius) and the kahuna contest sponsored by Cheetah Power Surge (Frank's brand).
Frank's first guest, Glenn Foster, honours Frank for donating three limo rides and three first-class dinners (aka, he bought his first guest, and his kind words).
Commercial Break 2: Arizona Beverages are the show sponsor; The Pickle Barrel, Veal Scaloppini (spell checker thinks this should be S-L-O-P-P-I-N-E-S-S which is pretty fitting) with Frank D'Angelo where he prepares a stupid meal with D'Angelo's Basket-Fresh Rapini.
At the return from each commercial break, it reminds you "this was previously recorded," even though there's no call-in segment. As if people were lining up to speak with Frank.
www.BeingFrank.ca promotion about uploading a music video if you'd like. Then Frank can judge you on your talent, 'cause he's so great. For the record, his house band is pretty hip.
His second guest is Julia Bruce, introduced by the house band playing some classic James Taylor. She's from Calgary, so Frank mentions how cold it is in that city. "The Texas of Canada," he calls it. He asks about doing stand up, and admits "I never did stand-up." (However, if he wanted to, he'd just buy some air-time on CHCH and do it).
Commercial Break 3: Frank endorsing Suzuki and its Kazashi, and Grand Vitara, in Pickering, the official car of the Being Frank Show. Then a new D'Angelo vegetable oil which is perfect for salads and frying! "D'Angelo oil - it's perfect for frying!"
And a promo for his new book, "Being Frank" (if you're stuck for a Christmas gift for me - this is on the top of my list). Frank's tell-all book, "the inspiring story of Frank D'Angelo." Only $15.95. "And as a special bonus, your copy will be personally autographed ... by Frank!" Get yours today by visiting BeingFrank.ca
(I was hoping mine might be autographed by Bruce Campbell. Nuts).
Then he name drops Phil Esposito, and mentions how he'd like pigeons to shit on his statue. Then introduces Freddy Proia? Being Italian, he says he'll never run out of material. Which is bad news for everyone watching Frank - the Italian - who will apparently never run out of reasons to put himself on television.
Commercial Break 4: Arizona Beverages, Pene alla Ragu, where Frank cooks some more pasta ("I ground the beef myself" he says). He does it all! Then adds some D'Angelo cipollini and rapini and penne al dente, with salt, oregano (as they call it across the pond) to create one of Frank's favourite dishes in the world!
Then a cheetah power surge Great Canada Kawasaki motorcycles from Kahuna Power Sports commercial. Enter at cheetahpowersurge.com!
Miles Morrison from Saskatoon (Saskatchewan, according to Frank), does some stand up for us. He was a fine comedian!
His standup was about getting drunk at weddings - classic comedy! It's true! The choir at church ALWAYS starts singing before you can find the right page in the book!
Frank says "Give it up for Myles" but "now we're going to bring out John Hastings." John Hastings was hilarious! He made great fun of England. England deserves it, let's be honest.
Then more commercials from Frank. YourLoanApproved.ca, Frank says this company is "on your side." Then D'Angelo premium vegetable oil - it makes every meal great. And another commercial for D'Angelo pasta! (Who better to instruct Italians on how to prepare pasta, than Frank!)
Graham Kay - who jokes about his lesbian haircut.
Frank keeps symbolically taking the microphone from the comedians. It must be difficult letting others have the spotlight, even on your own show. Then he introduces Cedric Newman - "You know why there are no black magicians? Can you imagine when things start disappearing who they're going to blame?!" Beauty! You have to ask him about the "blackarena."
Commercials! Ginseng and Honey in Arizona Iced Tea, drink it: says Frank. Then he implores you to drive a Suzuki, the official car of the Being Frank Show. Then he made Salmon ("Which I cut myself", says Frank) alla Cipollini. Added a drop of Tabasco sauce, with pepper and salt and some pasta, a little wine, balsamic vinegar, and some olive oil, too.
He tasted it and says: "Oh my God," with his eyes shut, as if he were enjoying a fine guitar solo during one of his own songs.
Host - Frank D'Angelo.
Created and written by - Frank D'Angelo.
Executive Producer - Frank D'Angelo.
"We Lost Our Way" Written by Frank D'Angelo and Rob DeBoer
"Flying High Written by Frank D'Angelo and Rob DeBoer,
and filmed at the "Forget About It Supper Club" which, though I've done literally NO research to confirm, is positively owned by Frank as well. (Which I googled, and confirmed, too).
Ya know? I think this guy wants people's attention ...