Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The popular, yet little-known chapter of Paul Ryan's life


Before pulling himself up by his bootstraps, Paul Ryan was a blond slacker in high school, named William S. Preston, or "Bill" for short. He was facing a failing grade on his history assignment, while struggling to make it in a band, the Wyld Stallyns (which sounded an awful lot like KISS back in 1991).

At the risk of failing their history class, the future of humanity was threatened by Ryan's best buddy Ted's father, who was fully willing to ship Ted to military camp and cease their efforts to forging the music that would unite the world in harmony.

George Carlin intervened, helping them travel through time to recruit historical figures and find out what they think of San Dimas, California, while practicing homophobic slurs in medieval times.

Be excellent to each other. (Then busts out his "air guitar" finger licks)

Carlin was successful, and prevented any deviation from the timeline that allowed the Wyld Stallyns to
become the single-most influential music in the history of mankind.

"Bill" a.k.a. Ryan Paul, named his guitar "Les Paul."
However, somewhere along the way, the timeline was diverted after all, and "Bill" became "Paul," and the world never got to listen to the Wyld Stallyns.

How did this happen?
Without a functioning, time-travelling phone booth, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when the Wyld Stallyns went off course - but today, instead of heavy metal bringing us world peace, we have Justin Bieber offering Prince William a reliable hair restoration solutions.

Regrettably, Carlin passed away in 2008, likely preventing him from returning for a third time, to carry the world into his preferred utopia.
Cheer up, there are other ways to influence the world than heavy metal.

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