Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hair cut

I just got my hair cut for a job interview this morning. I was contemplating shaving my head again, but my fiance didn't think it was a good idea.

I don't know why not, my head looked super-sweet when it was shaved. I've attached a picture to elaborate how awesome my hair was when it was shaved.

That haircut is awesome.

Hard Times - for a laugh

Courtesy of my good friend McBuddy.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Time thief covers his tracks

Often times footprints are clues that can lead you to a thief, but in this case, they're the subject of the thief's burglary.

And covering up your tracks is what he'll have to do in order to remain unknown to the local authorities. Whoever stole the footy booty (a hard rhyme, I admit) has some explaining to do.

Now, I have to admit, whenever a layman reports about a subject they know nothing about, they always seem to try and get cute, and then make mistakes. So here goes:

A 135 million-year-old dinosaur footprint has been stolen from a working quarry.

The 18-inch print was chiselled out of a limestone block and taken from Coombefield Quarry along the Jurassic Coast in Portland, Dorset, sometime over the last six months.

About 25 slabs bearing the footprints of dinosaurs such as the two-legged herbivore Iguanadon, the four-legged herbivore Sauropod and the two-legged carnivore Megalosaur have now been moved to a safe place by The Portland Gas Trust.

- Snafu 1) Iguanodon has an "O" not an "A" as the conjunctive vowel. Whoops.
- Snafu 2) Sauropod is a cladistic categorization of a saurichian genus. Not a species. It would be like saying someone "the four-legged herbivore rodent.

I thought that I'd found a follow-up story about the suspect who stole the prints, but ... I can't find anything on it now, so you'll have to wait. Or, if you're the footprint-bandit, you'll have to stay on the lam until the guilt you must feel obligates you to turn yourself in.

Don't call him ugly until after you get to know him

I was going to write about another recent article, but the picture is way cooler than any commentary I could provide. So just check it out, and read the article if you care.

Cleveland rocks| I mean, rocks in Cleveland.

I mean this in a geological way, and not a fashionable way. I want to talk about rocks in Cleveland. My fiance and I are going to Cleveland, OH for her birthday, and we're going to check out the Cleveland Zoo (for some reason - she likes penguins and I suspect the zoo has some she hasn't seen before). We'll also be privy to the second game of the Indians' season, against the ... BLUE JAYS, which is cool. I'm coming blue birds.

While we're going to be there over the Easter weekend, we're going to be a few weeks early for Dinosaurs' return to the Cleveland Zoo!

Cleveland Metroparks Zoo promises a summer of monstrous proportions with the long-awaited return of DINOSAURS! on Thursday, May 21. Back for its fourth season since 2003, DINOSAURS! will be bigger and better than ever -- featuring 18 larger-than-life robotic creatures, including some never before seen at the Zoo.
"Never before seen at the Zoo" means dinosuars that weren't displayed in the 2003 showing - not that the dinosaurs area all that new. The new dinosaurs include:
Along the beautiful shores of Waterfowl Lake, DINOSAURS! 2009 features species of beasts never before displayed at the Zoo – including the Edmontosaurus, with its thousands of razor-sharp teeth, and the Cryolophosaurus, which is often referred to as the “Elvisaurus” because the large crest atop its skull resembles the iconic hair of Elvis Presley.
- Snafu 3) The Edmontosaurus doesn't have razor-sharp teeth - it was a hadrosaur, which is one of those duck-billed ones. It may have had thousands of teeth, but they looked more like honey-combs than they did like razor blades. Perhaps this exhibit isn't for me, after all.

Sorry, I'd photoshop the image to look way better, but I don't have the right software on my laptop. Maybe I'll touch it up at work next week some time.

To quote my favourite southerner, that's about all I have to say about that.

Monday, March 9, 2009

New Simpsons opening

I didn't know that the Simpsons were going to update their opening sequence so when Global aired it this evening, I was a bit startled, and uncertain what to expect.

There have only been a few alterations to the existing sequence that I can recall after all of these years: there was a live action opening for The Simpsons in England, the Halloween episodes, and the one that followed the Simpsons movie (where they had to make some dramatic restorations to the city after it was destroyed in the film).

So I thought that we might have another themed episode - but was surprised to find that it was an actual update of the old opening.

Here it is:

It is absolutely laden with references to the 15+ seasons of episodes. Characters that were introduced, products and themes from the earlier seasons is pretty neat.

The flash of characters that are in between are: Duff blimp, Skinner and Chalmers, Milhouse, Willie, voice-cracking kid, two of Bart's friends from school, Ralph playing in a grave site like it was a sandbox, Quimby with a bimbo, the bullies fronting Martin, some mustached weirdo in a black leotard, Patty and Selma, Cletus, Brandine, the aliens, a nice pig, the captain who aarrs, Brockman, Krusty, blinky (still), the twins, bumble bee man, the Italian chef, a camera man, Tony and his goons burrying someone wrapped in a carpet, Wiggum, his two officers, Snake - picking their pockets, Duffman, Otto with a broken down school bus, surrounded by more school kids, the minister's daughter who made Bart steal from the collection plate, Sideshow Mel with the monkey, God, Satan, and Rod & Todd freeing doves.

There is way more differences, too. See for yourself.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

I like handicap stalls

I'm not sure what the most politically correct name for the handicap stalls in public places is - but universally accessible seems to sound right. Whatever they should be called, I like them.

There is no line to get into these stalls, and there is so much more space than the others. It's totally great. Now, I'm not condoning having someone who requires a universally accessible stall to wait while I finish filing the paper work, but ... well, the odds are in my favour that that type of person won't show up while I'm in there.

Custodians also always seem to make sure that there is enough toilet paper in the roll. It must be well-known that someone in a wheelchair, rascal or who otherwise requires some sort of tool to move around, can't really shuffle over to the next stall with their pants around their ankles to get at a different roll of shit-tickets.

The other really great part of the universally accessible stall is that everyone respects it. While the other stalls have dumb-asses who leave giant turds floating so they can show it off to their friends later on in the night:

Dumb-ass: Hey, you've gotta go check out the giant shit I left in the can, man!
Girlfriend: You're an idiot - plus I can't go into the men's room.
Dumb-ass: Oh yeah, I'm a dumb-ass.

It's clean, tidy, well-supplied, respected, and roomy. Those are all great reasons to use the universally accessible stall, and so I do. There is even significantly less graffiti all over the walls in those stalls (plus they're usually corner-stalls, which are great!

This stall was roomy enough for two women to pose in front of
a camera-woman. Pretty classy. Although, this is probably more
classy than me crapping in the handicap stalls, right?

Friday, March 6, 2009

Old spoof article

Here's an old spoof article that I was going to run in the Spoof Edition a few weeks ago - but it had to be cut for space.

That being said, here it is:

UWSA enviro push

The University of Windsor Students’ Association has taken another step to becoming self-sustaining and environmentally friendly with the acquisition of an acre of Bolivian rainforest for a mere $100.

UWSA president Tiffany Gooch said, “With the environment being such a big issue these days, it was important for us to demonstrate our commitment to the Earth.” She added that the price was easily withdrawn from the UWSA executive’s food budget at the Basement pub. “There was plenty of wiggle room in our food budget, so I just squirreled the money from there. Don’t worry though, there’s plenty of money left in the budget to last us executives for the rest of the year.”

Members of the recently established ‘Roots and Shoots’ initiative that was ghosted into existence to draw humanitarian and primatologist Jane Goodall onto the university campus, expressed their pleasure for seeing this commitment.“Usually, Roots and Shoots just focuses on what kids and students can do in their own communities to help the environment every day,” said coordinator Emily Brandish, “but what the UWSA has done is good, too.”

Always looking to pinch a penny, Board of Director Aaron Campbell agreed, “It seems like a lot of money to just throw into another country, for an acre of land that we’re never going to step foot on … but I guess it makes you feel a little better about your whole existence, you know? Like, yeah, we’re 15,000 students, and a hundred bucks is like nothing from all of us put together, but we’re still making a difference.”

Campbell continued, “Plus, it’s a great investment. By the end of this semester, when we run our UWSA elections, we can clear cut the whole damned thing and have enough paper to fill every cubic foot of space in the CAW Centre. All for merely a hundred dollars? It’s going to be awesome. It’s like the Sham-wow in pulp and paper form.”

Other members of the Board of Directors weren’t as eager to use the lumber from their newly acquired slice of rainforest so hastily. Colin Baldner argued, “We’re going to have to seriously look at at least a dozen different contractors and see what their tendering offers will be. We don’t want to get screwed by some clear-cutter to find out we could have had the job done by someone else for a few bucks less.”

Gooch summarized it all by saying, “I’m not sure who’s going to cut the rainforest down, but at least now we can control it and make sure that it’s clear-cut by our regulations and our rules. And I think that’s what students want; more say in how much of the rainforest is being clear-cut for our UWSA election posters.”

On that note, I would be remiss to not mention what a big difference the elections have been this year. There was some bylaw passed at some point by someone (rumours have it that Shae Kavanaugh is to thank) that significantly reduced how many posters were allowed to be used by each candidate for their campaign.

I think the numbers went from something like 500 posters each, down to just 100 - which has had an incredible impact (especially with 17 people running for executive positions) on the CAW Centre. It used to look like a NASCAR rally in a flea market - but things look pretty manageable now.

While the environmental impact of all of these posters was being considered during the bylaw changes - one candidate has managed to use non-biodegradable rubber balloons to spread the word about their campaign. So take that sea turtles! You can thank the above-mentioned Colin Baldner for all of those tasty balloons that you're choking on...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Something more important

I guess I've been blogging about nonesense for the last little while - or, as you might argue, not blogging at all - which would be a fair assessment, too.

Well, here's a little story of appreciation that I think we can all relate to. The other day I observed a ... moment that impressed me.

To start this story, I'd like to say, I take the time to clear all of my windows of snow and ice before moving anywhere. I'd rather be late than not be able to diligently check my blindspots. I believe that checking your blindspots is important.* (see attached story to understand why I check my blindspots).

I live on a one-way road, and so, of course, I can only exit my laneway and enter the street (Gladstone) in one direction. At the end of the street there is a stoplight where we always have to wait to drive through or turn left - but not necessarily to turn right, as is the law in Ontario.

So the other day I pulled up to the corner and was first in line at a red light. It had snowed quite a bit over the evening, and there was ice on my windows first thing that morning. On the corner waiting to cross the street is some pedestrian. He's going to walk into the intersection in any moment, and I know it.

That being said, I was at the corner, waiting to turn right, and there were plenty of vehicles still driving through the intersection. Now - the light turned 'amber' (is what the cops call it) and there was a car down the road that looked like it was going to pull through the intersection even though the light was amber. So, I waited for it - it was a few yards down the street - again, the roads were a bit icy, so I understand if someone isn't about to put their breaks on for a changing yellow light.

That being said, there was a truck further down the street that wasn't really in any position to make it through the intersection. So, after the car that was before me passed through the intersection, I put my eyes on the pedestrian, observing that they weren't about to jump through the intersection prematurely, and began to pull out - YET I didn't notice that the truck that was following the car that barely made it through the intersection, went through, too.

So, I was sticking out into the intersection, and the truck made a minor maneuver to avoid hitting me - and good for him for doing it. The fault wasn't on him - however late I felt that he entered the intersection - because he had the right of way and I pulled out in front of him.

All of that being said, he darted to the side, and avoided hitting me, as I noticed him still progressing through the intersection, and stopped in my spot. He slowly drove around me (we weren't going fast) and continued along.

The real important part of this story is, just a moment down the road, in the opposing lane, was a school bus. In a worst case scenario, I pull out into the intersection, the truck that went through the interesection late (although, I understand because he just wanted to continue driving through because the roads were icy) dodges out of my way, and into the opposing lane, and slams into a bus full of children on their way to school.

Gratefully, none of that happened. The driver dodged me, the bus hit nothing but a green light, and I avoided the pedestrian that was threatening to cross the street in front of me.

This is one of those stories where the fault can be divvied around to different influences - but the hero of it all was this guy in the truck who didn't hit me, didn't hit the school bus, and when on his way to a normal day.

I recognize this, and want to pay an homage to him. It's a big deal when we have these moments where we're spared a worse-case scenario, and I just want everyone to know that I acknowledge when these things happen.

Surely, I was spared a far worser fate by the sound mind of a fine driver that day.

Now, Lost is on!

*** I 'inherited' the Buick LeSabre I currently drive. But before it was under my control, it belonged to a wonderful man who shared everything he had. While I was a junior driver borrowing his car, I was pulling out of Nobleview Lane onto Kings Road. Now, the vehicle was only being borrowed at the time, so the blindspots were unfamiliar to me ( I think my brother was in the car with me at the time on this incident, too). So I looked up the road to my right, seeing nothing, and then looked up the road to my left and saw nothing. Well, turns out, just how the windows are set up, that there was a broad steel frame that blocked my vision of a god-damned SUV that was driving East up King Road.

Well, I pulled out of Nobleview Dr. and swung left onto King Rd. immediately in front of this SUV - which slammed on its breaks, squealed into the ditch, and then honked its horn. It totally saved the back end of my car (temporarily). The point of the story is, I learned to check my blind spots. My passenger, (which I think was my brother), said (afterwards) that he thought I knew that the SUV was coming, and that I was just pulling out because 'I figured I was some kind of hot shot.' Not me. I haven't been a hot shot in all of my life (except that night I hit three home runs in one game - many years later - that night I was hot shit), so I was nothing but embarrassed with the situation. But the fine driving of whoever was in that SUV saved my life a chapter of embarrassment and irresponsibility.